My little screaming corner

Weird huh? Images and feelings, People from your past just pop back in every so often to say hello?

It's unusual for me is all, and so I can't shake the feeling.

I mean I wake up, I think about her. I go to sleep I think about her. I work out until my legs and chest are on fire, and the fist thought through all that pain is her.

It makes me wonder if this would happen to me if I had been born a few generations ago.
All this touchy-feely crap. This Understand how you feel...it;s BS you know? Be a man, stop the bitching...or the live journal for that matter.

If I want her...I should just go get her, but here is the problem with this "touchie-feelie" crap... I am afraid. Of her? Afraid of being so emotionally hurt again. I mean what sort of BS is that? What kind of a pussy am I? Jesus Christ this is lame.

Hmmm what to say:

School: Start in January WOOO

Work: Got promoted again WOOO $16 bucks an hour :D

House: Man this new apartment rocks. It's so chill. There are some crazy and some mild parties and all round good people

Social: Got great friends and great people around me.

Love Life: Had to take Mel to the emerg again due to migraines...I swear one of these days I will date a healthy person

ummm I know that's short but that's about i...wait no

Last night we ended a campaign that has been going on for over two years and WOW what an ending. Final fight! Three dracoliches, and the last one had tons of extra magic and over eight hundred hit points!!! The game also ended with a new story arc beginning, so who knows...in a years time we might pic this game up again :D wouldn't mind converting to 3rd edition though...all this "make your save or die" stuff of second edition was getting to me.

Well that's it for me cadets. Patrick Morrissey signing off!

Instinct. The base intuition and behavioural traits that all living creatures have. From a biologists point of view mankind exists for one very simple reason: To survive and continue the species. This basically means we fight, feast and fuck our way through life and pass on our tricks for said fighting, feasting and fucking over to the next generation; since our offspring is half of us it's kind of a cheap knockoff at immortality so long as -of course- they survive and continue to fight, feast and...well you get where I am going here.

Now we introduce sociology into the mix. Somewhere along the way mankind suddenly became happy. It is at this crucial juncture that things take a turn from instinct (because at a base level, happiness is a by-product and not really needed for survival). Obsessed with staying happy mankind realised that it can develop in other ways socially and artistically in order to produce something called civility (now I sort of skipped over a few thousand years of fine tuning, but bare with me here as this isn't a history lesson but an overdramatic attempt at understanding motivations). Communication developed and concepts like faith, loyalty, friendship, camaraderie, and hell even betrayal were born. Mankind was able to allow others to hear and be part of each other through meaningful communication and that allowed someone to come into your heart. To hold who you are in their hands, and the terrible trust of giving someone the opportunity to hurt you so badly. That's a scary thing folks, but I am sure none of you need me to tell you that.

Now with all the philosophy and poetry I've been reading it's made me realise and empathise some events in my life and where I went wrong. So I am going to go ahead attempt to determine my motivations from memory and see what my perspective is on them (being my motivations) now.

Loneliness: affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

Well said. I mean why make friends in the first place other than the fact that you are indeed lonely? Otherwise we wouldn't be social creatures at all and we can forget the civility thing right? hell even this journal would be a waste-o-time.

So I reach out for friends. I make some. I decide that they are good friends, and it's at which point that through loneliness that I make a critical error. I reach out for more. Basic desire again right? Well the problem is that through the years I have learned to tug at peoples basic desires. I am no lawyer or religious leader by any means, but I have somewhat of an idea of what I am doing you know? Anyways the error: I fall in love. Still in love actually, but it's...different. Now falling in love isn't a bad thing. Quite the opposite, even an unrequited love can be beneficial if only for a reason to get out of bed in the morning. THIS love however has a serious setback...and an all too common setback in after school specials.

THIS love is the significant other of someone else whom I love (the second love is a total plutonic sense. that love is like a best-friend-do-anything-for-ya kind of love...you should understand). Now loyalty has in the past prevented me from acting out on any feelings of carnal desire (or as my friend Drax so accurately put it to me whilst describing this situation "my humanity. After all XXXXXXXXX you're a man! You like sex, d'uh."

Well in a desperate moment of loneliness I reach out to the person I am in love with and tell them how I feel...

*aside* my personal philosophy on what love is: Love is giving someone the power to hurt you terribly, and trusting they won't.
The flaws in that philosophy is once it's been broken (the trust) how do you ever rebuild? anyways that was just some food for thought

... Exposing myself was a HUGE mistake. I knew it was when I was telling her, I know it was now. Because when she smiled and completely looked past it deciding that I was a valuable friend no matter what I fell harder for her. Because she was a calm and compassionate side that I did not have. Those who know me do understand that I am an over-passionate person to say the least.

Speaking of over-passion. Well things never quite recover with that buddy of mine (the best friend one who is with the person I love). I know now why and realise what a douche I was. See I tried to be friends with both of them separately. Now at first the reason for this was simply because of different hobbies, but then I started to become better friends with this guys girlfriend. So jealousy was introduced. See not only now would he become jealous of the time I spent with his significant other, but he also became jealous of her in the fact that she was acquiring my friendship. Honestly speaking I became good friends with her not due to previous feelings, but due to honest friendship...weird huh? For once I had no Machiavellian motivations.

HERE is the moment where I began to change as a person. Which led to changes in my motivations. Before, as long as I came out on top it didn't matter whom was underneath me with my boot prints on their face. I was on top. Now I actually started to care about people. These two people became my world, and now I felt I had to keep it together. So I tried to play ring leader. I tried to integrate the friendship to be at least some part of their friendship. Trikes flip easier than quads for a reason though right? ;)

So here is the problem. What does a liar do when he doesn't want to lie anymore? Well in all honesty I had no clue. All I knew is that these two people meant everything to me. So being the person I am I concluded that my presence (or rather selfishness) was breaking them apart, and so I tried to drive a wedge between myself and them...didn't work. I'm no martyr. I did try though. Next idea?

Do nothing. After consulting with two people I trust very much told me the best thing to do is stay steady as she goes and do nothing. These things will fix themselves. So I did nothing. For a while anyways.

Well I continued to see both of them who were going though a 'make-up, break-up' phase. Now personally I have never seen a relationship survive such a state, but hey there is allot I don't know/haven't seen.

Well it went well until one fateful night. Me and the person I fell for gave way to desire. Her because she probably felt trapped (what with the can't leave the relationship...even though she eventually realised that she couldn't leave because she didn't want to) and me well loneliness again. Does weird things to a person. "Desperate" is the term I hear to describe it. Well until one fateful St.Patrick's day loyalty kept my loneliness at bay, but with that gone... I guess what I am saying is that I didn't do it out of spite, but had I not loved the girl I think I still would have done it out of spite. At least at the time anyways.

Well the affair continued for a while. The girl and I were all smiles with each other, but behind the scenes we were both in ruins. We both felt like terrible people and we knew we were. So it ended, but it didn't end with a goodbye or a discussion. It ended as abruptly as it began. One year to the day (another st.patrick's day) a fight broke out between me and my friend because I invited his girl to hop in on the last seat to go to TO for St.Patrick's day. HE got really mad at me for that (inviting her and not him), and didn't even consider the fact that this St.Patty's I wanted nothing to do with him. Then again I didn't even consider that fact that he had an idea of what was going on. So that's were that was left.
But in all this something happened to me. My heart got broken. It's a strange feeling it had never happened to me or if I had I suppressed the emotion. I felt paranoid. I felt bedlam. I felt absolute disquiet in a sort of maelstrom of emotion.

Then one night at a friends party people got insulted (still not sure why), but here we are back to primal nature. A wounded animal will lash out as hard as it can for no reason other than it feels it has to. So I lashed out. I laced into that woman I love. I shouted at her. I said some horrible things which can never be taken back. I abused her for not being everything I fantasized a relationship with her would be, and I blamed her for making a hard decision that she had to make. Then he (the former best friend) got in the way as I was perusing her to continue to yell. I lost it. I saw him and all the horrible things we had done to each other came back. In one swift moment I couldn't recork the emotions. I hated him. I hated how he lectured me on faults he himself possessed. I hated how he blamed me for his relationship falling apart which I realised is just as much his own jack-assed fault. I hated how I had to constantly pick up the pieces of the TRAINWRECK this guy was from physically bullying my actual best friend to being his shoulder to cry on when the world wasn't rising to meet him and he realised that he might actually have to lift a fucking finger to get somewhere. So I ended up getting violent with him. My size made it unfair. I never struck him, but I did pin him to a wall. I immediately left the party and went home. I punched a wall until I shattered every knuckle in my left hand and three in my right. I pretended the wall as him. I couldn't even fell the pain, but I could see the blood and skin sitting on the wall. I looked at the bone slivers sticking out of my hand. Then I realised the last educational lesson that this event taught me. I was just as bad. I was just as stupid. I was just as selfish. No I didn't deserve all the blame, but I didn't make her cheat on him she chose to! I went along with it and played my part in all this and so I took my share of blame, and am still paying actually. I was a bonehead to my friend, and he was a bonehead to me. All in all these events there was no good guy. I was kind of a congregation of villains.

Well it's been a few months and I have moved on. I told the ex-friend I never wanted to see him again, but that was more out of hurt than truth. I go to school, I go to work, I pay my bills, I sit with my friends. I keep things a little closer to my heart now, but I think that's best anyways. Too much honesty can be a bad thing. I still love that girl and I know she doesn't want to talk to me again, but if I could say just one thing to her I would say something that is most terrifyingly honest thing I could ever say:

"I still love you, even if you hate me. I know I was wrong, and I am truly remorseful that this is what has become. I am sorry for what I did to you."

I have forgiven myself and accepted the fact that I will probably never receive forgiveness from the parties involved, but some things in life never come at all. In the meant time I'll just keep doing my thing.

So in all this what were my motivations? Simply put carnal desires. I wanted to not be lonely and I wanted to feel love. "The road to hell is paved...." right?

My opinions: I have allot to learn, but at least I AM learning....gawd I was a douche bag

My motivations now: Stop taking things for granted, and stop trying to on top and just be happy if I come out at all ;)

Well this has been a ramble and I am not sure if it makes any sense, but I hope so...the end

Well it's been a beautiful Saturday morning so far. Rain rain and more rain :D. Something interesting to share though... at least I find it.

Game:Okay, I am running a DnD game now, and I finally know where it is going. I am not sure how long/deep this particular story arc will last, but I do know where the entire campaign as a whole is going which is always good.

Work/School: I've taken to sleeping in my truck in the LU parking lot because I will lose too much sleep to go home. Between homework/class/work it's killing me I think, oh well only a month to go!

Love Life: Ended it all. I was seeing three women and I broke it off with all of them this week. It's a combination of time, and the fact that I need to get over something right now. Well actually I am over that something just a little disheartened so waiting before I pursue a relationship at this juncture... which is a shame because of them was a bit of a nympho. Just lost (almost) all interest in sex with now I suppose.

Social Life: I have decided I will have some smitherene of a social life as opposed to a half assed love life. Hence the DnD and going to Wyld's and Mai's this week. Yeah that's right I finally got off my lazy ass and went. Other than that I am just being more like me than I have been in years. woot! Oh and I also started talking to an ex of mine again, and believe it or not it's not been so bad. She has a boyfriend she is very serious with, but she keeps talking about how we should meet up (just her and I) for coffee or something. Not sure if this is a good idea sexual tension and all that. So for now emails and phone is where it ends.

That's about it. Hey if you any of my friends here want to hear about anything else in my life then by all means post a comment and ask! Miss all you guys!

Patrick

Not a whole lot to report. Just working on some new songs for Amtgard (nerd....yeah I know).

Painting my Warhammer 40k army has been fun, and I started working out again because last week was so hectic I had to put the weights on hold (no fun at all).

Got tea with some friends tomorrow. Should be fun :D

So yeah...stay the course.

Okay so it's the day after St.Patty's day and here's my little adventure story of EVERYTHING that has happened over the year.

Birthday in May: All things considered, I think it was nice that my friends actually remembered and I got a cake.

Surgery: I broke me steel plate in the gym and had to have it removed. Easy operation...two weeks with staples, piece o cake

BotD: Had a blast, brought a keg which I got royally screwed cash wise for, but meh. Shit happens. It was still worth it so I am okay with that

Rest of Summer: Uneventful

Court: Taken to court over an imaginary tab from last St.Patrick's day. Court laughed at them and it was over. All things settled. Okay so the court didn't laugh at them. I bought the waitress off and payed her a hundred dollars less than the court was going to try and make me pay. I just dismiss it because I still have ALOT of negative feelings about that

School: Hate it....hate it....hate it

Rest of Fall: Had alot of friends go through some rough romantic issues. For once I was happy to be single

Love Life: I have one...who would have though? Had one more night with the girl from last St.Patrick's and we ended it, too much driving. Been on alot of dates, and had a couple confidence boosters along the way. So it's not too shabby all things considered.

Work: Hate work, love money...go figure?

Friends: Lately who knows? Realizing that perhaps some of my friends were a little more high maintenance than I had previously bothered to take notice too. Hoping things are fixed who knows. One of the closest people in my life (I have very few non-family members that reach that status) had a father pass away, and that hurt alot. He was one of the only (there being one other) friend with a family that actually gave a damn about me and what I was up to/doing with my life. So I wept in my own way...I drank too much, I shouted at the stars, I punch alot of things/people until my knuckles where busted, and then lied about having felt bad in the first place :D... hmmm maybe I really am Irish after all :P (as much as I pretend to be a fiercely proud Irishman, my DAD is Irish, not me. I am Canadian and THAT is what I am proud of :D)
So yeah alot of shit happening there, and I am completely helpless to be anything other than a supporting member of the cast in their problems, which really sucks for a control freak.

Winter: Had some interesting encounters. Some left my head reeling wondering just who-the-fuck I am and what-the-hell I am doing in life, but I suppose it had to happen at some point. Maybe this is healthy? Doubtful. Silver-lining; I always knew it :D (you know who you are). Dark lining; man I wonder if after all this I will be able to avoid becoming a misogynist

Future plans: move outta my house

Last weekend: Another St.Patty's day. This one at a house party (no more bars after last year!). Several close encounters with the law...$100 in parking tickets :D. and again more encounters making me realize just how little I know what the hell I am doing :D:D. It was a crazy party though. I mean it kicked ass! Got to 'drink' with Drax and Wyld&Brig again too which I haven't done in years. Getting together with them has been one of those things. You know when you hear an old friend is in town and you really want to get together with them, but don't do it on the soul purpose that you aren't sure how to go about doing it? yeah it was one of those.

All in all it was a good year. I'm still alive, and so are most of the people a care about, and even those that have moved on will take their place on the mantle of my memories so they haven't really gone anywhere I suppose. Well that's all from me gents, and not-so-gents. Stay happy or die tryin'! :D sleep easy

Patrick Morrissey

HEY-O

Day after St.Patty's day! Man it was exciting. I got to see lots of people and party it up. Some faces I didn't expect, and some that I hoped would be there were not. NEways their gain/loss respectively.

So what happened you ask? Booz-o-hol galore! Walsh, Clay, TJ, Myself, Drax, Rowan, Ducryus, Ciara, Ciara's man, Electra, My folks (yes they like to party), my bro, Linzy, and a few others. Good people and good company

So I initially invited Linzy out there to try and pick her up, but that worked not. Soon however opportunity presented itself.

Well while walking around getting all the kisses I could from as many women as I could (The one day of the year you just need to tell them that you are Irish, and BAM!) I met up with a girl named Tammy. She was kindof cute, so I invited her and her friend to come sit at our table. So they came, sat and had some drinks. It rocked. After talking to Tammy for a bit I decided she wasn't my type and aborted that prospect. Friend material (Yep, me, a guy just said that). Well then I started talking to her shy friend Nancy later in the night, and wow. She was an awesome person. So the entire table of people just disappeared and we talked almost the entire rest of the time she was there. We kissed a couple times, and exhanged contact info.

So I emailed her today. I figured a phone call might be too much. How do you approach someone the next day? I have NO experience at this at ALL. So I await her reply.

And in other news, Satan had to go buy himself a winter parka to deal with the situation in hell

Wow there I go. Slacking off again.

Anyways I've been a little too busy for my liking, but what are you going to do?

So, here we go:

School: BUSY, but it seems to be paying off. Go school! Honestly? I am ready to snap. I feel like I am holding on to my sanity by a thread. It's so freaking hard doing this. I know I can do this, but I can barely focus. I've started getting migranes. My doctor informs me that they are probably stress related. Great.

Friends: Not talking with some, and unfortunaltey I seem to be in a spat with others or at least in an arguement for no good reason. Everytime I turn around it seems I am yet again at odds with Magnus and Lanks. Kindof dumb really, but what are you going to do? Then there is one person I would really like to be talking to more again, but it seems our scheduals as of late will not allow for it. Sucks.

Love: Still nothing new. New potentials, but nothing noteworthy. On a funny note: The date went spectacular. Though after it all I kindof don't think *I* want to date this person. Funny how it works hmm? Here I am as the guy thinking to myself after the date was over "She has great friend potential". ayep....*BANG*

Wedding: Okay one of my very oldest friends (friendship age, not chronoligical) is getting married, and he asked me to be his best man. So here I am trying to plan stuff with them, and they go and do most of it (score), but they leave me to plan some little things. One thing that they want is a limo, but they specicially want this SUVLimo that costs $1800 for the day! I mean that's alot of dough! They could plan their honeymoon to Cuba or Mexico with that kind of cash. Some people hmm? To top it off he said he DOES want a bachelor party (like he has a choice), but the condition is....get this...NO STRIPPERS! So now I am completely burnt out on ideas. So still working on that.

RP: Started the Mage game finally. Gawd I love it when the entire party gets into their characters. The game dam near turned into a LARP with dice. It was really interesting to see. My solo is going good too. Just started a new storyline so we will see how this smooths out.

Amtgard: I personally think it is going great! Great I tells ya great! I passed my reeves test, and I am SO glad Drax marked it because we were able to correct the mistakes in the correction table together. He is a harsh marker, but completely impartial. Thanks man! That test may have been fair...but it was INSANE!
Term 6 as GMR here we go.

Saint Patrick's Day: Here it comes! Friday baby! Magnus, Ama___, Mai, Drax I know you guys read this so I hope to see you there! HOO-AH!

So it's been about a week or so. Figure it's time for an update.

Started going back to Amtgard. Get's me out of the house I figure. The main reason I am back is to help out my buddy with his next term. He might just need someone to get in the way of the flames.

So then what else to talk about?

School: It's there. It's not going anywhere. Well for seven more weeks

Family: Well the family had to confer, but if my dog's health does not improve or at least level out within one month we are going to have to put her down. My mom is taking it hard.

I am getting along with my brother for once. Man when did this happen?

Friends: No complaints. I have great friends. Sometimes I can't help but feel I went from being the life of things to the total downer. Actually I am almost positive I AM the total downer.

Love: Nope still nothing.

Gaming: I think the solo will finally pick up again. GOOD. It's been killing me not doing this game. I love it that much. WoW? I still play. Getting close to 60 you know

Amtgard: I won GMR, again. I want to reeve more I really do, but I just want to play right now. At least as GMR I can still be the advisor on the rules. I seem to be good at that.

On a funny story I was flipping through the channels last night (insomnia again) and I ran across an Electic Six video playing on Teletoon.

Man I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel INCREDIBLY guilty, and I don't think I did anything. Although normally paranoid, lately I am building some huge conspiracy theory the world has about me (Hence the last post). I can't eat anymore. I had two perogies for supper and I was ill for an hour. Constantly tired, but I can't sleep at all. Man I wish I could sleep right now. I am on day three, and I am starting to lose the ability to read properly. Class was rough. I DID sleep for one hour this morning, but I had a dream that a friend of mine was hurt badly and that I died protecting them.

School: Going good. Boring, trying, and sometimes enjoyable (but don't tell anyone I said that ;D)

Friends: That's rough. I am still friends with people I was positive that would hate me, but it seems ok. One of my best friends moved away, and I am handling it, but it still sucks.

RP: Since one of the PC's moved away we need to restart the game so we will see what we start up. The solo hasn't happened in a bit so nothing to report there. I want to start a Mage game. I invited some of the people that make me love to roleplay and I am hoping it will kickstart my social behaviour again. *crosses fingers* Here's hoping it will happen (Drax, I know your situation already, but still hoping you and Wyld can join). Gawd I miss white wolf.

Love Life: I actually HAVE something to post here. WOW. Okay so I met this *really* cute girl in Theatre class. So I started chatting with her on msn, and then we were paired together for a project in class. I went to her house and met her family (awesome family!), and had a BLAST! One hour of work and I stayed there for over four hours just because. So we were playing mine sweeper flags when we get the bright idea to start betting on the outcome. If she won she wanted me to wear a pink scarf around school for two days, and if I won I said I got to take her out for a drink (yeah yeah I know, LAAAAAME). So anyways she KICK MY ASS (26-4)then the conversation went like so:

"So it looks like I am wearing that scarf. :P"
"It's a nice color for you really lol"
"So... you want to go for that drink anyways?"
"Yes"

So it's probably nothing, but hey I can dream can't I? Here's hoping

Anything else: As terrible as I feel, and as pessimistic as I am about the date I still can't help but feel some small glimmer. Like I am finally looking at a potential end to this funk I've been in. Maybe I just need to spend more time with friends instead of school books.

You ever get the feeling you are being lied too?

When was it that I became so inept with identifying myself? What I am feeling? Am I in pain? what do I want? What do I think? Something is wrong with me as of these past few months and I could not even find a reason why. I remember being so unable to make a decision that if my parents sent me to the corner store to buy myself a candy I would run home crying because I could not even decide if I wanted a treat let alone which treat I desired.

Indecisive; I believe that is the word for such a state of mind. Indecisive.

1.Prone to or characterized by indecision; irresolute: an indecisive manager.
2.Inconclusive: an indecisive contest; an indecisive battle.
3.Not clearly defined; indefinite: indecisive boundaries running through mountainous terrain.

Prone to indecision: He who hesitates is lost, and looking on my current state of affairs I suppsoe that would make me a loser.

Inconclusive: Such a nice term really. For a word that means "we have no f*cking idea" I find it seems to have a very finite sound to it. A delightful contradiction no?

Not Clearly Defined: Now that one works for my own perspective of myself. I seem to be able to build an opinion on people and people can build an opinion on me, but I am completely unable to form an opinion on myself. My wants, my goals, my dreams, and even my primal desires all seem to elude me.

So what do I do with all this? I compensate. I make others laugh (or try to). If I can keep the general attitude positive then at least I can emulate and fit in, somewhat. I inbibe alcohol to let my guard slack. When I am drunk I stop analysing the room and just simply, be. Which is most definatley unsatisfactory.

Why am I writing all this you ask? For the answer I once again turn to the dictionary to bring up a word.

re·pul·sion (r-plshn)
n.
1.The act of repulsing or the condition of being repulsed.
2.Extreme aversion.
3.Physics. The tendency of particles or bodies of the same electric charge or magnetic polarity to separate.

Well let's use example 2 shall we? I find it works the best for my point.

I am using aversion, on myself, and on those close to me, on someone very close to me. Why? I've all but officially quit Amtgard, I have purposfully pushed any female that seemed remotley interested in me away, I can barely sleep anymore, when I do sleep I don't dream, eating makes me sick to my stomach, I can't even get motivated to go to class. So what seems to be the malfunction in me?

Those who know me know very well that I HATE...HATE talking about how I feel. Or at least being honest about how I feel. It literally causes me personal and physical discomfort. My mouth dries up, my stomach goes into knots, my eyes hurt, and I get a burning sensation in the back of my neck like I have over exerted a muscle. The major side effect of this is that I would start to lie to people about how I felt so I didn't have to think about it (Since I found it uncomfortable). I would then do my best to change the attitude of the room usually by making people laugh. I have then successfully repulsed my emotions. The problem now is that not only can I not talk about how I feel, but I can no longer identify how I feel.

All this leads me to the conclusion that I am lashing out at people for reasons unbeknownst to my higher functions, but readily identifiable in 'my heart'. But what could I be going through to hurt me so badly? What hurts a person so bad that they would try and lash out at the world? Start to hate the world and themselves. What is wrong with me?

And Sean saw that it was good.

I don't know how it happened, or why, but it seems somewhere along the line I became a really good DM (player words, not mine). After a really good session of story advancement I feel awesome! I am pumped to keep the game going!

On a side note I have handed in three Independant Studies in two days. My mind fells useless and broken into a thousand little bits. Not to brag, but DAMN I AM A FUCKING GOD!

Bard 51% Combativeness, 73% Sneakiness, 70% Intellect, 30% Spirituality

Dashing and multi-talented: You are a Bard! A decent warriors, reasonable spell-caster, and fairly good at tricking people, the Bard is the jack of all trades. These charming fellows live by their wits, though a sharp blade, a few spells, and some lockpicks never hurt. Smart, sneaky, and aggressive, you're probably good at most things you try. You don’t have much need for spirituality or superstition and are much more likely to live in the here and now... and if you can get some fun and profit out of the here and now, even better.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 40% on Combativeness You scored higher than 93% on Sneakiness You scored higher than 62% on Intellect You scored higher than 30% on Spirituality

Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Last one today HONEST!

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm) Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. Your exact opposite: The 5-Night Stand Deliberate Brutal Sex Master On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: s_morrissey

Always with the good news. *bang*

Ever feel like everything is on your shoulders? Surrounded by idiots? Then you can definatley relate to how I feel right now.

Anyways I waited over an hour for an IDstudy group that decided not to show on me. Fuckers. So it looks like another job Sean has to do on his own. It's going to be a boring weekend. :P oh well.

A good friend of mine is getting more selfish than usual. It's getting to the point that I have taken to grinding my teeth when I talk to this person. Not a good sign, but DAMMIT everying with them is "sob, sob! My life sucks even though I have so much!", "I know that already!", "School sucks", "Why is it always me?", "Why does my family suck so much? I get mad at them all the time, and now they won't be nice to me, WTF?".

***Inhale, hold, exhale***

On another note, my one on one RP session went a little slower than expected, but it turned out for the best. I actually enjoy these sessions more than I did the actual group time! Strange, I think I need to figure out why that is since my currently peturbed mind can only produce a single person as the culprit, but I will wait to make that assumption.

Friendships: many of them are almost non-existant. I feel as though I am holding on to some pathetic microcosm of a once great social life. The more I exist in this state the more I come to realise that it is not all bad. On one side I have been able to sort out which social contacts were not my friends in the first place, and which ones I am just (unfortunatley) growing complacent and distant from. Of particular note is one friendship that feels...different lately. I can't describe it really, but it is definatley different, but so far it seems different in a good way (Jury is still out on that).

Tattoo: The fresh ink is almost completely healed! sweet!

School: *click* *click* *BANG!* and another University student goes postal!

Gym: Found out I gained weight over holidays (who doesn't, but still), and that my shoudler really hurts when unworked for a few months. Calling the Gym office to request another session with a trainer. I think I need it.

Love Life: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *sigh* seriously, what?

Amtgard: My plan is slowly falling into place :D!

Online gaming: I think I am cancelling WoW. I don't play on the rp server anymore, and I don't have fun on the pvp server. So I guess it will be onto the next game! Change is good I suppose. *shrugs*

Verdict: I either need to do something about some of this, or grow lethargic and do nothing....*yawn* maybe I will sleep on it first ;)

Thanks for reading.

Hey all,

Well I nuked the old topics, but with a fairly good reason. I HATED THEM :D. That's a good enough reason for me!

What's going on in my little world? Changes, and LOTS of them. It seems that my social order is changing and I am not sure that I like it. I mean I know that most people do the most changing between the ages of 20-25, but still I didn't expect quite this much.

One of my good friends is developing an attitude that is making it a chore to hang out with this person, and is also taking to treating some of my other good friends like crap. I try to talk to this person, but he seems to have developed some sort of defensive mechanism that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to give any opinions (negative or not!). I mean how the hell am I supposed to deal with this, because I am at the end of my patience.

On a happier note I have been spending loads of time with some other friends that make me happy just to be in their company! Friends like Hailey and Cedar are keeping me sane through school. MMmmMMM the sweet sweet embrace of lady sanity

Making some new friends...sortof. Everytime I try to make plans with these people they either cancel at the last minute or stand me up. Real confidence booster there. Speaking of confidence boosters I am still single and with pride add the total up to NINE rejections this semester alone. :P oh well keep trying right? Law of Averages and all that...

I am also missing friends. Friends like Wyldphoenix (even though we seem to never talk or be at odds), Maikaya (sp?) (Even though she is upset with me over something), Draxenn (him? well he is just always busy.), and Jay. It just seemed like six months ago I had walked into such a good group of friends, and now I feel sort of alienated by them. I don't know what I did or why this happened. Maybe just the way things happen I guess.

Long story short: Still tumbling through my life towards the eventual epiphony of clairity before soaring into entropy, but one difference: I seem to have some sort of joy. I know the source of this joy, but I would rather keep it to myself (glee), and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world!